FRONT PAGE: THE DECEMBER ISSUE
Boy Says He’s “Not Interested In Relationship”, Proceeds To Fall In Love With Girl
Hudson Valley Baby Unaware He Is Frequent Subject Of Sister’s Romantic Texts To Man In Maryland
Maryland Man Claims He Doesn’t Know Anyone In Maryland To Avoid Feelings For Girl In New York
Game Dev Asks Writer To Hurry Up With Her “World Renowned Author Shit” So He Can Brag About Her On His Resume
Local Girl Announces “I Am Happy Now,” Accidentally Soft-Drops Future Relationship Status To One (1) Boy In Maryland
Man Responds “That’s A Good Word, I’m A Fan Of That One,” Secretly Thrilled He’s The Reason
SECTION I: TECHNOLOGY
Man Describes Himself as ‘Desk Boy, People’s Comedy, Truly the Jester’; Woman Threatens Proposal Again
Man Calls Himself “Smartestest” And “Dummiestest”; Woman Finds This Devastatingly Hot For Some Reason
Man Plays Pokémon To Unwind, Reports “I Finally Found Eevee,” Receives Congratulations And Condolences From Resident Phanpy Enthusiast
Couple-to-Be Agrees Javascript Is Terrible; Worst Coding Language
Woman Recreates Man From Memory In The Sims 2, “Uncanny”, Says Man
Woman Suggests Googling Word She Saw On Tumblr Six Years Ago, Google Suggests Man Go To Therapy
Man Responds To Legal Correction By Inventing ‘Copymark’ And ‘Traderegister,’ Personally Attacks English Language
Woman Asks “Why Are You Doing This To Me,” Receives One-Word Reply: “Whimsy”
SECTION II: RELIGION & CULTURE
Local Man Recalls Entire Biblical Story About His Namesake, Woman In Utter Disbelief
Man Declares America “Kinda Lame” For Short Lived ‘Pony Express’ System
Man Insists Resurrection Story Was Just “Some Doppelgänger,” Cites Ancient Lack Of Razors And Identical Beards As Evidence
Local Girl Compares Post-Resurrection Jesus To “Fake Melania,” Vatican PR Department Briefly Bursts Into Flames
Linguistics Emergency Declared After Woman Corrects Boy’s “Ain’t Nobody” As Double Negative During Theology Rant
Local Woman Clarifies She Only Fears “Just The One Man Then,” Unfortunately, It’s The One She’s In Love With
TikTok Rapture Cult Briefly Interrupts Flirtation; Couple Agrees True Apocalypse Is On Twitter
SECTION III: MEDIA & ENTERTAINMENT
Local Girl Admits She Watched Too Much Disney Channel In High School, Clarifies It Was “At 3am Specifically”
“Where Did You Find The Time Lol,” Asks Boy Who Spent Same Hours Playing DS, Accidentally Confirms They Shared a Time Slot
Woman Sets Alarm For 3am To Watch Andi Mack, Calls It Cultural Obligation, Not Insomnia
Maryland Man Hears There Was A Jonah On Andi Mack, Immediately Declares “I Bet He Sucked 😤”
“He Was Actually My Favorite,” Says Woman; Boyfriend-In-Progress Instantly Retracts Entire Statement
Disney Channel’s Jonah Beck Has Panic Attack At Friend’s Bash Mitzvah, Local Molly Feels Deeply, Personally Seen
Character Who Says “Docious Magocious” Officially Dubbed “Beyond My Eloquence” By Real-Life Jonah
Woman Sends Pirated Folder Of Favorite TV Show To Man; Man Reacts To Crime With Heart
SECTION IV: BABY NAMES
#KeepJonahRare: Man Upset His Name Entered The Top 200, Woman Responds with Statistical Thesis
Local Woman Admits She Has Baby Name List And Excessive American Girl Collection, Maintains She Is “Fine Actually”
Maryland Man Casually Reveals He Also Has Baby Name List, Accidentally Becomes Hottest Man Alive To One (1) Person
“WHAT????” Says Woman Upon Learning Boy Also Curates Fake Children In Notes App
“Hell Yeah, Ok I’ll Share The List,” Says Boy, Accidentally Performs Most Intimate Act Known To Name Nerds
Woman Says “Thank Youuu” Like He Just Handed Over Nuclear Codes, It’s Really Just Eight Little Guy Names
Couple Quietly Levels Up From ‘Talking’ To ‘Joint Fantasy Children Planning’ Without Ever Saying The Word “We”
Maryland Man Calls Woman’s Baby Brother “Mister”, Claims Parents Are Obsessed With Him
SECTION V: SCIENCE & CRIME
Local Woman Applies Scientific Method To Future Crimes, Hypothesis: “I Will Be Arrested”
Man Calls Woman's Hypothesis “Good,” Insists They Still Have To Test It, Worrying Number Of Smiley Faces Included
Preteen Boy Beats Girl At Race To Stationery Store, Girl Still Bitter Eleven Years Later; Demands Rematch
Local Woman Reports Bit Theft, Man Rebuts With “Get Patriarchied”
Woman Rebrands “Acute Scoliosis” As Doctors Secretly Calling Her Cute, Boy Immediately Agrees
“You’re Asking the Wrong Question, It’s How Can I Become Like You”: Man Accidentally Walks Straight Into Marriage Proposal Trap
Woman Attempts To Buy Man’s Hand “In Marriage,” Shocked To Learn He Needs It For Job
Woman Politely Requests Man Sleep; He Responds With John Cena Monologue And Threatens To Outlive The Sun
